As I sit and write this only 4 days into the New Year, I can honestly say New Year’s resolutions are a load of utter bollocks. Not mine. Mine are carefully considered and thought through, of course. Resolutions made by other people, on the other hand. Well. Where do I start?
You see, I’ve taken a long hard look at myself. I know my areas that need improving (there’s a few of those after 2 years of working from home in a global pandemic … just saying). But what about everyone else? I can work on self-improvement, but I can’t fix other people.
For 2022, the most common resolutions people said they would be making were around exercise and fitness, losing weight and improving their diet. Some even said they were going to do decorating. DIY is not a resolution! It’s home maintenance, for goodness sake.
No, no, no. This is all wrong. My fellow humans are clearly going about this all the wrong way. They are making the wrong resolutions and lack the staying power to see them through. If only I could make life perfect. What resolutions would I write for other people to stop everyone getting on my absolute tits?
You! That person who is dithering in front of the dried pasta. You know who you are. You have been stood there for what feels like eternity as you look at all the different brands, shapes and colours. You probably watched Nigella the other day and are trying to find the weird shapes she used in an episode where she served it to her friends (actors) in her kitchen (fake) surrounded by fairy lights.
We both know that you will pick the bag of Sainsbury’s own fusilli like you always do. My resolution for you, dear shopper, is to stop dithering and dawdling when you shop. We are still in a COVID pandemic. None of us like spending too much time inside shops at the moment. Be more aware of how slow you are and that there are now 4 of us, socially distanced and loitering in aisle 5 because you cannot make your fucking mind up!
Hey, you! Smug, perfect, healthy neighbour. Yes, you! The one who gets up early each day, goes for a run, walks the dog, organises the family activities and loves tinkering in the garage. Well, you smug bastard, we all know about it don’t we. I have so many resolutions for you! First of all, after your daily run, do your cool-down outside your own fucking house and not staring into mine. Stop staring at me eating my second helping of toast as you stretch out.
Next? Your dog. Please stop it from pissing on my garden every time you walk past. You know it does. I’ve seen you smiling when he does it. I don’t allow my dog to pee on yours.
Then there is the bloody noise when you go out in your car – just quietly get in your car, gently close the doors and drive away. Respect that some of us are trying to get a little shut-eye at 6am on a Sunday. Just because your kids have been up since 5am, ours don’t need to be. Stop shouting back to the family inside the house. And how many times can you open and slam shut your car doors?
And finally, the power tool thing. Great. Well done. You have all the gear and love tinkering. Mate, we are happy to upcycle with the best of them, but we don’t open the man-cave and use it as an echo chamber to project the sound of angle grinders and electric sanders at un-godly hours. Give us all a but of peace now and then by using nice, quiet hand tools before 10am and after 5pm, hmmm?
Hopeless Technophobe Husbands
When it comes to any technology, my husband is useless. He has no concept of logic and stabs viciously at any device with his finger with little care or finesse. Streaming services are a particular hurdle, as he assumes everything has a show-time like mainstream TV, not understanding he can watch what he likes when he likes. My resolution for him would be to learn how to navigate and pick a show or movie on Netflix all by himself, get more than 7 minutes in before he has to press pause because he needs the loo or to get snacks and shock horror, actually get to the end instead of stopping the programme or film and forgetting all about it.
Overfamiliar Work Colleagues
I am not your ‘friend from work’. I am your colleague. There is a huge difference. If we had not been picked by someone in HR, we would never have met. We have been thrown into this environment together by chance, not choice.
We have very little in common and would never have crossed paths if we didn’t work together. I have no desire to be your friend, or be part of your social circle – I like to keep my work-life and personal life separate. For you, colleague, my resolution would be that you respect my boundaries, focus on the job when we are working together, pull your weight and stop fucking calling me ‘hun’!
Friends and Family
One particular friend loves to ruin my day with bad news. She will trawl the internet and study at the University of Facebook, looking for juicy and unsubstantiated bullshit that she then shares as fact. For her, my resolution would be to quit the doom-scrolling and find more credible sources of newsworthy information.
A member of my family who shall remain nameless (you know who you are) has a flatulence issue. We all fart, love, that’s fine. But please, make a resolution to stop blaming it on my dog. I wasn’t him. It was you. Own it. Move on.
Dear sister-in-law. We have known each other since you were a little girl. I have watched you grow up, get married and have a family of your own. You know all my hobbies and interests as you comment on them, even asking me to make things for you. So please, stop being an utter bitch when it comes to my birthday and Christmas. You know the kinds of things I adore to receive, yet you buy me meaningless and often thoughtless gifts. I’m sure you do it on purpose, so stop now. It’s unkind.
A new year can bring excitement, a sense of adventure or just an opportunity to reset our lives and press that ‘fun and laughter’ button. What resolutions would you write for the people in your life so you can look back at the year with a smile on your face? We’d love to know.